Parenting Paradigm Shift

Every parent experiences a reality check at some point as they get started. You have your preconceived notions and then WHAAMOOO!! you are broadsided by the unexpected. Your cultural and family belief systems are challenged in a way that makes you completely reevaluate the way things are done. We had several experiences that led us to completely change our views and approaches to parenting.

Dropping our parenting baggage

Jenn was around 20 weeks along and getting her bloodwork done. The tension was growing every day and we were excited that our little Jack was kicking and healthy. That week though, we got some news that changed everything.

I had been arguing with Jenn about whether college was necessary or not. It wasn’t about forcing as much as “guiding” our kids to college. Jenn was adamantly for it and I was against it. I was ok if he became a garbage truck driver if that was what he wanted (I purposely picked one that might get Jenn thinking with her nose). She was only ok with it as long as he had a college degree too!! We were getting ready for Jenn’s brother, Chris’s, wedding when we got a call from one of the nurses that had helped with Jenn’s bloodwork.   We quietly dug our heels in on our respective positions waiting to sway each other as soon as the call was over.

Jenn stood with confusion on her face as she was told by the nurse that our little Jack may have an 80% chance of having Down syndrome. We were silent for a while just thinking about things.

That day, Jenn’s dreams and ambitions for Jack died and some of mine did too. We were determined to have him either way and knew we would have to completely adapt our lives around this little child’s needs when he came. Our conversation shifted from talking about whether he would go to college and be successful to whether and how he would be able to function on his own. We both cried that night not knowing how it would change our lives and having to leave behind our pride and ambitions for this little guy. It became one of our fondest memories together as we prayed for strength and resolve.

We did an ultrasound the next week and found that everything looked pretty fine, and declined further testing as we were told about our “options”. I was livid in that moment, but now, both of us look back and realize what a blessing it truly was.

The funny thing was that after dropping all our hopes, dreams, and aspirations for Jack, we were free. We could love this little guy completely without expectations and moreover, we had made a commitment to meet his needs as a child with “special needs”. We have kept with that commitment ever since and believe that every child that comes into our family will have special needs whether they are visible or not. This is in no way to downplay the effort and commitment a parent must make to raise a child with down syndrome child, it is more to express that we realized we had no excuse for not putting in additional effort and resolve to address the specific needs of our son.

Riding things out

I remember the first time I watched my son playing with a baby doll and how my brain had a little conniption fit. I put my foot down that day and started lecturing Jenn on things that he should and shouldn’t play with.

I remember Jenn just laughing and slowly poking holes in my logic by through simple questions like “if he were a girl, would it be ok if she were playing cars?” or “You hold babies and you’re a man…don’t you want him to be like his dad?”

I was losing and saying “because I said so!!” just doesn’t fly in our home, so I told her I would wait it out and see if it wrecked my son. A day later, I saw him with that baby doll tossing it up in the air and wrestling with it. I was well pleased and probably told Jenn “I told you it would be alright!” (She loves it when I do that!—winky face;)).

This same thing happened later as my mom sent play outfits for the kids last year. One of those outfits happened to be a little yellow bee dress complete with tutu. Lily loved it and Jack soon got curious about wearing it. I told Jenn that I have to draw a line somewhere or there will be no coming back. My pride was once again on the line, but this was completely different. I had my own childhood tutu pictures that haunted me to this day. This would not happen to my son!!

Jenn once again stepped in and said that either way it wasn’t going hurt him and he wouldn’t be embarrassed or hurt by us. I was pretty firm, but one day when Jack was playing with Phionah he whipped it out and had it on! I took Jenn’s challenge to test things out without freaking out and within a day or two, he moved on. I had held out for almost a week and during that time he had been dying to try on the tutu. After testing it out, he decided it really didn’t suit him. I did have my backup plan of finding a manly kilt or Tongan skirt if he did get into it.

We often seek control as parents, but one of the most powerful tools we have learned from our paradigm shifts is that patience and listening to the needs of my children pays off ten-fold. There are times that we have to step in as parents, but I have learned that when it is over our own pride, it often undermines that control we are trying to achieve. The child feels hurt, frustrated and closes off in turn. These experiences truly established the foundation for our child-led learning journey. To be honest, it is hard to imagine being able to practice the Montessori learning model if we were still holding on to some of our parenting baggage.

Embracing the unknown

In the days between us finding out Jack might have down syndrome to the day he was born Jenn shifted and said, “if he CAN be a garbage man, and be happy that would be awesome!” When she finally accepted that Jack might not be able to fill HER dreams and aspirations all it didn’t matter anymore. She was ready to accept Jack for Jack with all his bells and whistles. She did morn but it was more of a morning for what she wanted. As the years have passed I’ve experienced my own shift. Realizing I held my own cultural beliefs as sacred which led me to overreact when, loving my kids through it was the answer. Being intentional in our parenting truly begins and ends with a clear and worthy “why”. It is about breaking down the barriers that prevent us from fully connecting with and understanding our children. This is where real learning, change, and growth occurs and while children are meant to be the recipients, any intentional parent will experience their fair share of it as well.