We NEED Roughhousing

Me and my dad

I often think back on my childhood which was full of wrestling particularly with my father. The connections you make as a boy with your father through roughhousing is very important and It can bring added confidence and assurance in the way you interact with adults and other children.

I noticed several outcomes with Jack as I wrestled him several times a day.

Added Focus from a healthy outlet

He was able to focus more intensely on tasks as I whittled down on his hyper active nature every chance I got. It became a game for me and still is. When he starts going nutty before getting his teeth brushed, it is time to wrap him up, pin him down, and put him in an obnoxious hold while I tickle his feet. I can’t tell you how much fun it is as a father (sometimes Jenn has to tell me to tone it down a bit because I might be having more fun than him). After a good ten-minute spar, he is ready to relax and focus on the task at hand. 

What if we turned to this as a remedy for the hyperactivity we often diagnose as ADHD with our boys and even our little girls when they start getting a little rowdy?  I find that it makes more sense than forcing them to sit or pause and listen. It goes back to understanding our children’s needs. Sometimes we can intuitively understand that our kids’ bodies are just exploding with energy and the need to connect in silly obnoxious ways.

Healthy Emotional Connections with other kids

There is a language to play wrestling and children pick it up quick. When Jack is on the playground, I will watch as he finds other boys and they start grappling and laughing together. There are also those boys who don’t understand the language and see the physical contact as aggressive or threatening. I can always tell the boys who are wrestled often by their parents because they know when to let up and don’t take things to serious, so it stays playful and fun. 

This is absolutely vital and I believe it leads to confident kids and adults as they can decipher friendly sparring, slaps on the back, and touch in general from something threatening. If you get it wrong, it can cause frustration and embarrassing interactions with others in sports, at work, or at recess. 

Understanding of Boundaries 

It may seem counter intuitive for mothers and fathers to wrestle with kids and then tell them to not hurt other kids on the playground, but it is far from it. That was Jenn’s concern initially, but she became a firm believer in it as I wrestled with Jack several times a day. We had our “wrestling faces” and did our stances and everything as we locked up head to head. While Jack is a gentle little guy, he likes a good brawl here and there. And will try to get right in the middle of the dogs wrestling or even dive at me head on when he is in his berserker mode.

That being said, he is very understanding of what is too much and how things feel because we test things out and he tells me when things are too much and I let go. He sees wresting as a way of connecting and just having a good time with other kids. He also knows when the line has been crossed and will call that out when he sees it with other kids too. 

Increased Discipline for Managing Conflict

There have been several instances where Jack will have a kid that is aggressive and is wanting to full on smack him in the chops. I always appreciate it when he can wrap him up in a hold or pin him down instead of reacting in kind. Nobody likes getting belted in the mouth or eye. I have seen Jack confidently wrap up kids in a calm, confident way and ask for help if he needs it. I have also noticed that there is a level of respect he gets from the kid after that and it also calms other kid down because Jack was able manage the situation without over reacting but rather turning to something he knows calms him down. This may not be the case with every kid, or every situation but when it works it’s empowering.

Just to throw out a disclaimer, if you’re wrestling without rapport and without creating distinct boundaries of where the line is between hurting one another and just having some parental bounding time, you probably won’t see the same benefits. Somebody’s toes are bound to get stepped on at some point in the game (that is just the nature of the beast). There does need to be some boundaries and limits set in our minds as parents because that is where your kids learn what is acceptable and what’s not. When someone gets hurt it’s another good opportunity to teach about empathy and apologizing.

It would be counter intuitive if roughhousing instilled fear in our children or made them feel like they weren’t respected, so I think this is where knowing your child’s Roughhouse Tolerance Level (RTL) is critical. Yup, RTL is a real thing…or so Jack tells me at times.

I know not every parent is on board with wrestling or roughhousing, but I think there is a lot more behind it than meets the eye. It can definitely be a powerful learning tool. I think this is true for boys and girls as they will all encounter conflict and roughhousing at some point. They will need the tools to distinguish between the two. Roughhousing enables parents to connect with their kids, giving them a healthy physical outlet, teaching them how to manage and judge future physical encounters with other kids; and how to manage conflict when things get hairy. Most importantly, it makes parenting high impact, fun and more interactive.