Tuning into your Inner Parent
Innately, many of us know how we want to parent. We see examples all around us both good and bad. We can sense when destructive parenting is happening and we also feel the positive vibes of intentional, connected parenting. We take notes, we practice at home, then we get out the door ready to show the world what parenting is really all about.
And VOILA! We go back to square one the second other adults question us.
I have fallen prey more than I’d like to admit.
Why doesn’t Jack call you “dad”?
It all started about 3 international trips ago (that is how we measure time now since we don’t really have a change in seasons). Jack and I were getting really close from our father and son outings and I had really taken the time to connect with him through play. While we were out on our trip to the U.S. Jack kept saying “Juan, will you play with me?”.
It was funny because he said it the way a close friend would say it to me. It started becoming more and more consistent and I laughed about it with friends and family. There were a few people who showed concern though. It got me overthinking and second guessing things. Then I talked to Jenn’s brother Chris about it and he was like “Ya, Zed calls me Chris all the time. It’s no biggy. If he got lost at least he would know my name.”
I was definitely over thinking it. Also, as I dug deeper into when Jack was calling me “Juan” instead of Dad, it was in the moments he wanted to go on adventures and just have us time.
And VOILA! We go back to square one the second other adults question us.
I have fallen prey more than I’d like to admit.
Why doesn’t Jack call you “dad”?
It all started about 3 international trips ago (that is how we measure time now since we don’t really have a change in seasons). Jack and I were getting really close from our father and son outings and I had really taken the time to connect with him through play. While we were out on our trip to the U.S. Jack kept saying “Juan, will you play with me?”.
It was funny because he said it the way a close friend would say it to me. It started becoming more and more consistent and I laughed about it with friends and family. There were a few people who showed concern though. It got me overthinking and second guessing things. Then I talked to Jenn’s brother Chris about it and he was like “Ya, Zed calls me Chris all the time. It’s no biggy. If he got lost at least he would know my name.”
I was definitely over thinking it. Also, as I dug deeper into when Jack was calling me “Juan” instead of Dad, it was in the moments he wanted to go on adventures and just have us time.
Seeing it for what it was really was brought perspective to me. It wasn’t disrespectful…it was extremely intimate.
When people back in the U.S. ask me why he calls me by name, I tell them that is what he calls me when we are on adventures or just good buddies.
There are some that don’t feel comfortable with idea and stomp on it before it goes too far. If that’s what they want to do, that is totally fine and it could be warranted especially if it is done with disrespect. My personal feeling on the matter is that much of what we decide on is based on tradition or family culture that can potentially keep us from connecting with our kids.
When I realized the reason why Jack was calling me by name, I had to smile and see it for what it was. A precious moment with my son where he was letting me know I wasn’t just his “dad” but I was his trusted adventure buddy as well. I couldn’t ask for more than that.
There may be some that will read this and think that this is the crossing of a very important line that shouldn’t ever be crossed and that it will grow into something pernicious when he is a teenager or adult.
I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get there, but I think we need to honor and respect the innate abilities and understanding that we as parents have in addressing the needs of our kids. I could be rolling the dice on this a little, but I am not worried about my son losing respect for me or forgetting I’m his father because he doesn’t call me dad all the time. I know that our respect comes from all the times I build him up, protect him, and get on his level as little man. He respects me because he knows I respect him. I realized that the only reason I was going to force him to start calling me dad was because I was worried about what other people thought or because I was worried that I wasn’t falling into the traditional father-son model.
I do need to add that it has always been important to me to listen to others ideas and learn from them. It would be absurd not to take other peoples’ experiences into account when figuring things out as a father. I have a super close friend who calls his dad by name and I’ve always loved that. It became a term of endearment and we even modified his name to Karlos. He is just the kind of friendly guy you’d want to hang out with for days on end. I also have a super close friend who has a more formal relationship with his dad and there is loads of respect and honor for the title. I totally understand. To each their own.
I think for myself I had to ask—do I want a traditional father-son relationship or a unique and potentially epic father-son relationship? I think it has a lot to do with personalities.
In my opinion, gone are the days that a Dad deserves respect for just being “Dad”. There is much more to it than that and I love seeing all the movements around the US where men are stepping up to the plate. I think that this generation of dads can easily pick up the mantle and show that fathers aren’t obsolete and that we are willing to go against the grain even when it’s uncomfortable and sometimes untraditional.
The key principles of tuning into my inner parent from this experience:
1. I had to look deeply at the why behind my son using my name
2. I had to dig even deeper to figure out why I felt uncomfortable and define whether it was a real problem
3. I had to identify reality, own it, and love it!
The second I did these three things, I stopped feeling anxiety and it became a real badge of honor for our unique adventure-buddy relationship. While some people may have other opinions, I have to remember that they don’t have the same perspective or experiences or even the same relationship goals with their kids. And that's ok, For us, it’s the real Jack and Juan show and it gets more wild by the day!
When people back in the U.S. ask me why he calls me by name, I tell them that is what he calls me when we are on adventures or just good buddies.
There are some that don’t feel comfortable with idea and stomp on it before it goes too far. If that’s what they want to do, that is totally fine and it could be warranted especially if it is done with disrespect. My personal feeling on the matter is that much of what we decide on is based on tradition or family culture that can potentially keep us from connecting with our kids.
When I realized the reason why Jack was calling me by name, I had to smile and see it for what it was. A precious moment with my son where he was letting me know I wasn’t just his “dad” but I was his trusted adventure buddy as well. I couldn’t ask for more than that.
There may be some that will read this and think that this is the crossing of a very important line that shouldn’t ever be crossed and that it will grow into something pernicious when he is a teenager or adult.
I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get there, but I think we need to honor and respect the innate abilities and understanding that we as parents have in addressing the needs of our kids. I could be rolling the dice on this a little, but I am not worried about my son losing respect for me or forgetting I’m his father because he doesn’t call me dad all the time. I know that our respect comes from all the times I build him up, protect him, and get on his level as little man. He respects me because he knows I respect him. I realized that the only reason I was going to force him to start calling me dad was because I was worried about what other people thought or because I was worried that I wasn’t falling into the traditional father-son model.I do need to add that it has always been important to me to listen to others ideas and learn from them. It would be absurd not to take other peoples’ experiences into account when figuring things out as a father. I have a super close friend who calls his dad by name and I’ve always loved that. It became a term of endearment and we even modified his name to Karlos. He is just the kind of friendly guy you’d want to hang out with for days on end. I also have a super close friend who has a more formal relationship with his dad and there is loads of respect and honor for the title. I totally understand. To each their own.
I think for myself I had to ask—do I want a traditional father-son relationship or a unique and potentially epic father-son relationship? I think it has a lot to do with personalities.
In my opinion, gone are the days that a Dad deserves respect for just being “Dad”. There is much more to it than that and I love seeing all the movements around the US where men are stepping up to the plate. I think that this generation of dads can easily pick up the mantle and show that fathers aren’t obsolete and that we are willing to go against the grain even when it’s uncomfortable and sometimes untraditional.The key principles of tuning into my inner parent from this experience:
1. I had to look deeply at the why behind my son using my name
2. I had to dig even deeper to figure out why I felt uncomfortable and define whether it was a real problem
3. I had to identify reality, own it, and love it!
The second I did these three things, I stopped feeling anxiety and it became a real badge of honor for our unique adventure-buddy relationship. While some people may have other opinions, I have to remember that they don’t have the same perspective or experiences or even the same relationship goals with their kids. And that's ok, For us, it’s the real Jack and Juan show and it gets more wild by the day!
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